I cannot sleep. I have not felt well since around 8PM last night, and woke up around 2:30. I have been thinking quite a bit about self-acceptance. I doubt that I am there yet; heck, I just ate a handful of cookies simply because they were there. And they were awesome.
Of course, now I feel bad about it.
Every morning, I look in the mirror and think "God, why did You make me this way?" I think I would honestly be more okay with myself but for the surgical scars that crisscross my abdomen. I understand completely that the doctors who worked so valiantly to save my life were not in the least concerned by the awkward bulge that resulted from cutting into my oblique muscle. How were they to know that the preemie they were trying to save would grow into a fat girl?
Every year, I diet. I try not to go to any extremes, and I usually lose 30-50 pounds. Eventually, it all comes back, and I think it's got something to do with the fact that I refuse to be okay with the way I am at this moment. For some people, negative reinforcement works. I AM NOT one of those people. I don't appreciate being called fat or ugly; it will just make me sad, and I will eat.
I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father. I am made in His image. There is a divine nature within me that makes me beautiful. When I work in the temple, my husband says that he can see me glow. I am fully aware that I must take care of the body I have, and I don't make excuses for the fact that stress, depression, anxiety and uncertainty make me do stupid things like mack on homemade cookies at 5 in the morning. But I am working on it. All of it. As I come to understand the Atonement, I more fully rely on my Savior and my Heavenly Father.
I'm finally realizing that I am safe. I don't have to rely on food for comfort or escape anymore. As I live worthily, it will get better. I am surrounded by love and acceptance of the person I am AND the person I want to become.