Yesterday seemed very long. The plan was that we would get up early so that we could go to the temple as patrons. We got up, got dressed... and I had a raging headache. Recently, my husband purchased a new temple dress for me, so I decided to take it. As I was putting it in my temple bag, I noticed that some very important things were missing. Frantic, I started to look around the spare bedroom. No dice.
On the way there, my headache was getting so bad that I thought I might be sick. We decided to stop and grab something quick for breakfast. When we got to the temple, the matron helped me look through the lost and found. Hours later, once I was home, I recognized that I was so frazzled, I may have overlooked my own things, not recognizing them as mine. In the locker room, I cried out my frustration as Sister June hugged me and told me her own lost and found story.
For the next half hour, I went about the Lord's work, but my heart was heavy. I'm sure the Adversary was pleased that I was hurting so much.
After we got home, I wrapped a few presents, then crawled into bed for a nap. When I woke, it was almost 6, and poor Amber was doing a pee dance. I took her out, then talked to Mama Jane on FB until Chris came home. My good husband brought me ice cream and a cute movie ("Rio"), and then we went to bed.
Around 4 AM, we woke up. The apartment had gotten too warm. After I got us something to drink, we stayed up and talked for a while. Before long, I was crying out my frustration, lamenting that no matter how hard I try, I can't get back to the relationship I had with my Heavenly Father when I was a child. At some point, I realized that I was blaming Him for some things that have happened in my life, where I should have been blaming Satan. I fell asleep for a few moments, and had a dream. I recognized my Lord Jesus Christ, Who told me that He and Heavenly Father wept as I was being hurt.
As a child, I always thought of myself as special. I felt that Heavenly Father walked with me, guiding my steps. Where I fell short was in not recognizing the agency of others to go against the plans of God. I have blamed Him for not protecting me. Now, I understand much better, and I thank Him for carrying me through those dark days. I blame the Adversary for the addictions and sin that he spawned in the hearts of those who hurt me.
Thanks to the diving guidance of the Holy Spirit and the counsel of my husband, I have recognized the flaw in my understanding of the Atonement. Complete healing is truly possible. Morning has come!