I've made a few observations about myself lately, regarding my off-kilter eating habits. Most notably, I binge when I am alone. Today, I set aside 20 minutes to see what it felt like if I forced myself to simply exist in the quiet. Essentially, I forced my own company upon myself. If you don't think that's possible, you should try it.
Here's what I found out:
1. I would rather sleep than be utterly mindful of myself for 20 minutes. When I felt myself wanting to doze, I opened my eyes and refocused.
2. I am impatient, and get bored with myself easily. I only made it 14 minutes before checking the timer on my phone.
3. My center felt uncomfortable at times, like a large lead ball resting against the most painful point on my spine. At other times, it felt light and airy. These were the times when I noticed the clock ticking or the dog breathing across the room.
4. I didn't think about food at all, other than remembering the clementine I had for a snack because I could smell the orange oil in the peelings on the table beside me.
What this told me is that if I can embrace the pain and boredom, going through them and making the realization that they are not as difficult as my mind would have them seem, I will not need to binge in order to numb the pain or boredom that I encounter when I insist upon being completely, mindfully myself.
I chose to pray as I sat quietly. It was a good time to be still and know the presence of God. I wondered how long I have been living without being an authentic version of myself. I feel as though I have been dragging my body around like so much luggage, looking to Heavenly Father and saying "Really? THIS is what you're giving me?? And what, exactly, am I supposed to do with it???"
It's taken me a long time to actually want to be kind to myself, and even longer to realize that Oreos and M&M's are not love letters to my soul; they are torture devices to my hips, and large quantities of them will probably shorten my time here on earth. The Adversary would love that, I'm sure, but I'm not going to give him the satisfaction.
This is not about being thin. I'm not on a diet. I do realize, however, that I have a problem that is much bigger than myself. With the help of my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, I can and will overcome this. My goal right now is to feel better, and I am exercising and putting aside food I don't need. If I occasionally feel that I NEED an Oreo or a couple M&M's, I will have them, and move on. If, because of the changes I have made, I lose weight, so much the better.