The more I read her blog, the more I am certain that Jia and I should be best friends. Today in a sort of roundabout way, I was challenged to "pour my heart out."
Here goes nothing.
Most of you know that I struggle with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have come to terms with these issues, and while we're not the best of friends, I can stand to be in somewhat close proximity to them without going off the deep end...anymore.
A few months ago, a neurologist I worked with diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. Even though I wake up every day tired and in pain, I refuse to accept this. However, considering how many times in the last year that I've been taken down by respiratory infections, nausea, fevers, migraine headaches and general malaise, I have to admit that it doesn't look good for self-denial.
I don't look sick. Every morning, I struggle to get out of bed, and I think of something my mother used to say when I complained of not feeling well: "Clean your room, you'll feel better." Except that my room is clean, because my husband does the housework. So, I get up and come in to work, and cry on the way home because my job isn't paying all the bills and I have no health insurance in this state to see a doctor who might be able to help with the weight and the infertility and the pain and the tiredness, and I find myself sliding into depression so deep I just want to sleep because when I sleep, the pain goes away...
It'a a vicious cycle.
And to be honest, I don't see a way out of it. I have to work. I have to find a way to exist beyond the pain and keep pushing myself to do better; do more if I ever want to get out of debt... but at what physical cost?
The only place I know of where I could exist pain-free is Utah. I don't know why this is, whether it's the higher altitude, thinner air, abundance of sunshine, or someone dumping mass quantities of happy pills into the water supply. I know I need to get there someday, and I hope someday is soon. I don't know how much longer I can stand to feel this way day in and day out.
Linked to Pour Your Heart Out