Total Surrender

Every day, I struggle with things that are beyond my control.  My weight has become something I cannot manage without the help and support of others and complete reliance on my Heavenly Father.  There is a protocol I must follow when I care for my clients; I can put them in the right place so that they can be helped and healed, but I cannot take away their suffering.  Even though there are days when I positively long to be a mother, I cannot will it to happen. 

I know in my heart that if I can overcome my natural tendencies to comfort myself with food and make more of an effort to obey the Word of Wisdom (the do's, not just the don'ts!) that I will become healthier. 

I know in my heart that if I do all I possibly can for my clients, continually lifting them up in the name of Jesus Christ, the Atonement will cover and heal them in ways I can't begin to know. 

I know in my heart that right now is not a good time to have a baby.  I also know that Chris and I will be parents someday, in the Lord's time. 

I know the voice of my Father.  He speaks to me of patience and the joy that is to come.  He speaks of the Celestial glory that will be ours if we abide fully in the everlasting covenant.  He tells me that I am precious to him; that I have been brought forth in this dispensation for a great work.  I believe him. 

There is another voice, though.  This voice belittles my efforts, enumerates my faults and takes delight in my failings.  This voice would have me believe that I will die an early death for lack of willpower.  That nothing I do can ease the suffering of the brokenhearted people that come through my door.  That I will never be a mother.  This voice tells me nothing but lies. 

Like Nephi, I will give place no more for the enemy of my soul.  I will rejoice in the gift of the Holy Spirit who helps me discern between right and wrong.  I will surrender all, and in that surrender, I will become someone new.  Someone who doesn't tear herself down.  Someone who sees the divinity within and loves herself more because of it.  I recognize and take comfort in the plans of my Heavenly Father.  He has never mislead me, and He never will. 

 "Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord."  --Elder Dennis E. Simmons

Nephi's Psalm... My Psalm...

Today was my first Sunday in a new ward.  Appropriately, the first person to welcome me was Brother Angel.  From the moment I took his hand, I had an overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be fine.  During Sunday School, a very smiley toddler decided that I was the perfect choice for a new best friend, and spent most of the hour playing peek-a-boo with me.  In Relief Society, I was given the opportunity to bear my testimony, and several sisters took it upon themselves to help me in my house search.  The bishop was extremely happy that my husband and I are temple worthy and have reliable transportation, as many of his flock have gone inactive for want of a vehicle. 

No one in Wheeling has heard of Shelf Reliance.  I am ecstatic that Chris and I will be able to be the ones to tell them about it!

As I sit here tonight, I'm thinking about the Psalm of Nephi.  While I in no way think that I have the strength of Nephi, I wish I were more like him, and I can definitely understand where he was coming from with some of these verses: 

20 My God hath been my ^asupport; he hath led me through mine ^bafflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his ^alove, even unto the ^bconsuming of my flesh.

22 He hath confounded mine ^aenemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me ^aknowledge by ^bvisions in the night-time.

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty ^aprayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been ^acarried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath ^avisited men in so much ^bmercy, ^cwhy should my ^dheart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I ^ayield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to ^btemptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my ^cpeace and afflict my soul? Why am I ^dangry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer ^adroop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the ^benemy of my soul.

29 Do not ^aanger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my ^aheart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the ^brock of my salvation.

31 O Lord, wilt thou ^aredeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of ^bsin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my ^aheart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may ^bwalk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy ^arighteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine ^benemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34 O Lord, I have ^atrusted in thee, and I will ^btrust in thee forever. I will not put my ^ctrust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his ^dtrust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give ^aliberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ^bask ^cnot amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the ^drock of my ^erighteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

My own psalm would go something like this: 

Thou hast proven Thy love for me

Thou hast set the course before me

Why then do I quake in fear

or pray to know Thy will

when Thy will is plain in my sight?

Thou has upheld me always

Thine eyes are upon me forever.

I offer up my thanks to Thee

my prayer ascending

calming the flutter of my heart.

Grateful am I for Thy constant care

and I give Thee

the fear

the worry

the pain

knowing that Thou will make of them

something beautiful

as Thou hast done with all my life.

Everlasting Father, I abide in Thy covenants

and Thou leadest me in the ways of peace. 

Amen.

Writer's Block...

I want to apologize to the handful of you that read this blog.  I have not been posting frequently, and I am sorry.  My life has been moving so fast lately that when I sit down to write, I don't know where to start!  Before I know it, a week has passed and I haven't posted anything. 

I have a few goals in mind for this coming week.  I will be at my mother's for most of it, and I don't start work until the 13th.  I am going to work on my family history; hopefully my Aunt Mary Jane can find some time to talk to me and share what she knows. 

I am also going to begin working on refinishing my Grandma's cedar chest.  It used to be a beautiful piece of furniture; soon it will be again.  I look forward to the day when it is used for more than the afghan Mom made me in college, and sits in a more prominent place than a corner of the basement. 

I have a meeting with a potential landlord on Tuesday; hopefully everything will go well. 

In the midst of all of this, I am one frazzled girl.  I'm sure you can understand how it came to be that this blog was neglected.  I promise that I will write more when things calm down.  :)