Total Surrender

Every day, I struggle with things that are beyond my control.  My weight has become something I cannot manage without the help and support of others and complete reliance on my Heavenly Father.  There is a protocol I must follow when I care for my clients; I can put them in the right place so that they can be helped and healed, but I cannot take away their suffering.  Even though there are days when I positively long to be a mother, I cannot will it to happen. 

I know in my heart that if I can overcome my natural tendencies to comfort myself with food and make more of an effort to obey the Word of Wisdom (the do's, not just the don'ts!) that I will become healthier. 

I know in my heart that if I do all I possibly can for my clients, continually lifting them up in the name of Jesus Christ, the Atonement will cover and heal them in ways I can't begin to know. 

I know in my heart that right now is not a good time to have a baby.  I also know that Chris and I will be parents someday, in the Lord's time. 

I know the voice of my Father.  He speaks to me of patience and the joy that is to come.  He speaks of the Celestial glory that will be ours if we abide fully in the everlasting covenant.  He tells me that I am precious to him; that I have been brought forth in this dispensation for a great work.  I believe him. 

There is another voice, though.  This voice belittles my efforts, enumerates my faults and takes delight in my failings.  This voice would have me believe that I will die an early death for lack of willpower.  That nothing I do can ease the suffering of the brokenhearted people that come through my door.  That I will never be a mother.  This voice tells me nothing but lies. 

Like Nephi, I will give place no more for the enemy of my soul.  I will rejoice in the gift of the Holy Spirit who helps me discern between right and wrong.  I will surrender all, and in that surrender, I will become someone new.  Someone who doesn't tear herself down.  Someone who sees the divinity within and loves herself more because of it.  I recognize and take comfort in the plans of my Heavenly Father.  He has never mislead me, and He never will. 

 "Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord."  --Elder Dennis E. Simmons

Nephi's Psalm... My Psalm...

Today was my first Sunday in a new ward.  Appropriately, the first person to welcome me was Brother Angel.  From the moment I took his hand, I had an overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be fine.  During Sunday School, a very smiley toddler decided that I was the perfect choice for a new best friend, and spent most of the hour playing peek-a-boo with me.  In Relief Society, I was given the opportunity to bear my testimony, and several sisters took it upon themselves to help me in my house search.  The bishop was extremely happy that my husband and I are temple worthy and have reliable transportation, as many of his flock have gone inactive for want of a vehicle. 

No one in Wheeling has heard of Shelf Reliance.  I am ecstatic that Chris and I will be able to be the ones to tell them about it!

As I sit here tonight, I'm thinking about the Psalm of Nephi.  While I in no way think that I have the strength of Nephi, I wish I were more like him, and I can definitely understand where he was coming from with some of these verses: 

20 My God hath been my ^asupport; he hath led me through mine ^bafflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his ^alove, even unto the ^bconsuming of my flesh.

22 He hath confounded mine ^aenemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me ^aknowledge by ^bvisions in the night-time.

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty ^aprayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been ^acarried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath ^avisited men in so much ^bmercy, ^cwhy should my ^dheart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I ^ayield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to ^btemptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my ^cpeace and afflict my soul? Why am I ^dangry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer ^adroop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the ^benemy of my soul.

29 Do not ^aanger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my ^aheart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the ^brock of my salvation.

31 O Lord, wilt thou ^aredeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of ^bsin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my ^aheart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may ^bwalk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy ^arighteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine ^benemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34 O Lord, I have ^atrusted in thee, and I will ^btrust in thee forever. I will not put my ^ctrust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his ^dtrust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give ^aliberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ^bask ^cnot amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the ^drock of my ^erighteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

My own psalm would go something like this: 

Thou hast proven Thy love for me

Thou hast set the course before me

Why then do I quake in fear

or pray to know Thy will

when Thy will is plain in my sight?

Thou has upheld me always

Thine eyes are upon me forever.

I offer up my thanks to Thee

my prayer ascending

calming the flutter of my heart.

Grateful am I for Thy constant care

and I give Thee

the fear

the worry

the pain

knowing that Thou will make of them

something beautiful

as Thou hast done with all my life.

Everlasting Father, I abide in Thy covenants

and Thou leadest me in the ways of peace. 

Amen.

Writer's Block...

I want to apologize to the handful of you that read this blog.  I have not been posting frequently, and I am sorry.  My life has been moving so fast lately that when I sit down to write, I don't know where to start!  Before I know it, a week has passed and I haven't posted anything. 

I have a few goals in mind for this coming week.  I will be at my mother's for most of it, and I don't start work until the 13th.  I am going to work on my family history; hopefully my Aunt Mary Jane can find some time to talk to me and share what she knows. 

I am also going to begin working on refinishing my Grandma's cedar chest.  It used to be a beautiful piece of furniture; soon it will be again.  I look forward to the day when it is used for more than the afghan Mom made me in college, and sits in a more prominent place than a corner of the basement. 

I have a meeting with a potential landlord on Tuesday; hopefully everything will go well. 

In the midst of all of this, I am one frazzled girl.  I'm sure you can understand how it came to be that this blog was neglected.  I promise that I will write more when things calm down.  :)

Working in the Temple

Yesterday was our last day as workers in the Detroit temple.  Try as I might, I could not stop time.  The more I prayed, the faster it seemed the time flew.  Thankfully, I was not asked to relinquish my name badge.  It remains pinned to my dress as if to say "You'll need me again someday."  I wonder if my husband feels similarly about his white jacket? 

It was working in the temple that enabled me to slow down and see my blessings for what they were.  It was working in the temple that gave me the patience to strive at a job I could hardly stand, and the strength to reach for something better.  Time after time, patrons would say things like "You have no idea what you have done for me in this moment."  They were right, I had absolutely no idea.  There were days when it took everything I had to walk through those doors and let the world fall away, days when I was so preoccupied with my own struggle... but those moments of pure grace made my soul sing. 

I will miss working in the temple, but I look forward to the day when I can do so again. 

Beginning Another Chapter

Well, here it is.  Just when I begin to feel comfortable and relax, Heavenly Father shakes my snow globe.  I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was interviewing for a job.  It was 6 hours away, half an hour out of my hometown.  I didn't think anyone would take me seriously, and to be honest, I was surprised to be asked for an interview.  There was a second interview over the phone a week later, and it was here that I considered "wow, this must be more competitive than I thought."  A week after that, one day after my thirtieth birthday, I got a very apologetic call from the girl who interviewed me.  She said she had known that I was right for the job the day of my first interview, but she had so many other interviewees, she didn't think it was right to offer it to me right away.

She should have.  It would have done wonders for my anxiety these past few weeks.

Here I am, getting ready to pack up enough clothes for a month and help my husband winnow my things a bit.  Clothes that don't fit, no matter how much I love you, you are going to the clothing barn for someone else to wear and feel awesome.  That includes you, wedding dress!

There have been approximately four times in my life where I have directly felt the hand of God.  This is one of those times.  (For those of you who are interested in the other three, they were joining the Church, meeting my husband, and moving here.)  It has been very difficult until recently to see the blessings I have here in Michigan.  I recognize that my ward family here loves me like crazy, and not just because I'm Chris' wife.  I'm thankful for my mother-in-law who gets my jokes, keeps me company when I am lonely and is gentle with my sometimes incomprehensible sadness, loving me through it as my own mother has done so many times.  I'm thankful for the friends I have here who have helped me become a better version of myself than I could have ever hoped to be on my own.  I am thankful to be so near a temple, wherein I can do the Lord's work.  I have been so blessed to be a worker there, and I am grateful for the experiences of all-encompassing grace I have had within its walls.

Now it's time to stretch and see how capable I have become.  I know that being here has prepared me for something amazing, and I feel much the same as I did when emerging from the waters of baptism.  Anything at all is possible. 

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee—
Lord, I would follow thee.

 Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can’t see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother’s keeper;
I would learn the healer’s art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother’s keeper—
Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother—
Lord, I would follow thee.  


Text: Susan Evans McCloud, b. 1945. © 1985 IRI
Music: K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939. © 1985 IRI
Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, #220

Moohana and the One Cow Wife

I am not worth eight cows.  I am worth one cow.  Her name is Moohana, and she is filled with buckwheat and lavender, a "warm snuggly" for those naps I take when my husband is at work.  Thankfully, we no longer barter bovines as a measure of our love, or I might feel jilted.  However, according to the stuffed animals my husband has gifted to me over our courtship and marriage, I am worth three horses, one Pegasus, a panda bear, and three dragons.  And Moohana.  :)

I Love to See the Temple...

Recently, Chris and I have decided that Wednesday nights would be our time for FHE.  This evening over a dinner of cheap (but awesome) sushi, he asked what I would like to do for our activity.  Out of nowhere, I blurted out "I want to make a sugar cube temple!"  Two boxes of sugar cubes and an unknown number of glue sticks later, we have the McGinnis home temple.  It kinda sorta maybe looks a little like St. George, but with a Moroni.  (We couldn't make a temple without decking it with our Moroni!)  We are going to spray it with shellac so that it doesn't attract ants and we can keep it, then next week, we're going to landscape!  It's a little crooked, but it was made with love, and the whole time we were working on it, we talked about the blessings that have come from working in the temple. 

This has been a wonderful evening!