Total Surrender

Every day, I struggle with things that are beyond my control.  My weight has become something I cannot manage without the help and support of others and complete reliance on my Heavenly Father.  There is a protocol I must follow when I care for my clients; I can put them in the right place so that they can be helped and healed, but I cannot take away their suffering.  Even though there are days when I positively long to be a mother, I cannot will it to happen. 

I know in my heart that if I can overcome my natural tendencies to comfort myself with food and make more of an effort to obey the Word of Wisdom (the do's, not just the don'ts!) that I will become healthier. 

I know in my heart that if I do all I possibly can for my clients, continually lifting them up in the name of Jesus Christ, the Atonement will cover and heal them in ways I can't begin to know. 

I know in my heart that right now is not a good time to have a baby.  I also know that Chris and I will be parents someday, in the Lord's time. 

I know the voice of my Father.  He speaks to me of patience and the joy that is to come.  He speaks of the Celestial glory that will be ours if we abide fully in the everlasting covenant.  He tells me that I am precious to him; that I have been brought forth in this dispensation for a great work.  I believe him. 

There is another voice, though.  This voice belittles my efforts, enumerates my faults and takes delight in my failings.  This voice would have me believe that I will die an early death for lack of willpower.  That nothing I do can ease the suffering of the brokenhearted people that come through my door.  That I will never be a mother.  This voice tells me nothing but lies. 

Like Nephi, I will give place no more for the enemy of my soul.  I will rejoice in the gift of the Holy Spirit who helps me discern between right and wrong.  I will surrender all, and in that surrender, I will become someone new.  Someone who doesn't tear herself down.  Someone who sees the divinity within and loves herself more because of it.  I recognize and take comfort in the plans of my Heavenly Father.  He has never mislead me, and He never will. 

 "Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord."  --Elder Dennis E. Simmons