Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

The more I read her blog, the more I am certain that Jia and I should be best friends.  Today in a sort of roundabout way, I was challenged to "pour my heart out."

Here goes nothing.

Most of you know that I struggle with depression, anxiety and PTSD.  I have come to terms with these issues, and while we're not the best of friends, I can stand to be in somewhat close proximity to them without going off the deep end...anymore.

A few months ago, a neurologist I worked with diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.  Even though I wake up every day tired and in pain, I refuse to accept this.  However, considering how many times in the last year that I've been taken down by respiratory infections, nausea, fevers, migraine headaches and general malaise, I have to admit that it doesn't look good for self-denial.

I don't look sick.  Every morning, I struggle to get out of bed, and I think of something my mother used to say when I complained of not feeling well:  "Clean your room, you'll feel better."  Except that my room is clean, because my husband does the housework.  So, I get up and come in to work, and cry on the way home because my job isn't paying all the bills and I have no health insurance in this state to see a doctor who might be able to help with the weight and the infertility and the pain and the tiredness, and I find myself sliding into depression so deep I just want to sleep because when I sleep, the pain goes away...

It'a a vicious cycle.

And to be honest, I don't see a way out of it.  I have to work.  I have to find a way to exist beyond the pain and keep pushing myself to do better; do more if I ever want to get out of debt... but at what physical cost?

The only place I know of where I could exist pain-free is Utah.  I don't know why this is, whether it's the higher altitude, thinner air, abundance of sunshine, or someone dumping mass quantities of happy pills into the water supply.  I know I need to get there someday, and I hope someday is soon.  I don't know how much longer I can stand to feel this way day in and day out.


Linked to Pour Your Heart Out